Breaking Out

Turtle No More

Social anxiety made me a turtle when it came to developing friendships. Books were my best friends throughout my life. People, not so much. I moved slowly towards anyone who seemed promising as a friend, and then the moment I was uncomfortable or scared of rejection I snapped closed like the turtle.

This is not helpful.

After my last post, Nica asked, “I wonder how the experience of doing this in “public” (on the trail, with others there, not hiding somewhere alone with the pain) helped you break the shell?”

This caused me some pondering.

Bill had a YouTube channel (SailingAvemar) when we started dating. I forbade him from including me in any videos because I was desperately afraid of what people would say about it (about me!). He didn’t make a big deal about it, but gradually got me more used to sharing photos and videos on the socials.

One cold day, I was bundled up on the bow of Avemar as she was sailing, and Bill started asking me questions about our preparations for hiking. We had a brief conversation before I saw he was recording a video, but I was feeling brave so I continued. He let me watch the video after he finished and asked if I would be comfortable posting.

After a L O N G pause, I agreed. I was nervous.

I am so glad I was brave, because upon viewing it today I am glad we released it. What a great memory!

That was the start of me breaking out of my shell, and I do think it helped me overcome social anxiety. I learned that words were just words. And although the unkind words in the comments on YouTube didn’t feel good, I began to reject them as what they were: FALSE.

I also found that some comments were uplifting and caring. If people online could be encouraging to me, then I started warming up to the people I met on the trail. I found they were full of great stories and good advice when I took the time to keep my head out of my turtle shell.

I still remember the day Privy explained how using a roller ball every day would mitigate my soreness, and he was right. I still use massage to get rid of my foot pain now. Still dealing with that…

So, Nica, yes, hiking the AT in the “public” eye did allow me to finally connect with people more easily. Ultimately, allowing me to be open to having a Trail Family for the last nine days. The richness of what I learned during the end of the hike cannot be surpassed. My body is still recovering, but my heart is so full. Friendship is a blessing like no other. Both sailing and hiking have taught me this lesson.