I Love Myself

Enough to Publish My Poetry Book

Hiking the Appalachian Trail was the most difficult task I have ever undertaken, and I am a mother. I carried, birthed, and raised three children. Being a 2,000 Miler is a solo trek. Even with a partner. For me, raising children was symbiotic. So much good flowed back and forth, no matter how difficult a day was. Hiking had little symbiosis. Nature is soothing. But it leaves you alone.

I needed alone time. I didn’t even know how much I needed it. Or I did. Subconsciously. Hiking 2,000+ miles in the mountains was WAY out of my wheelhouse. WAY OUT. My body is a little bitch. She tortures me. I have battled her for years. I always win. And thank goodness for that because battling my body [and winning!] got me through the trail.

I was a long time Self-Loather. I spent YEARS in therapy working through it. I had tried to love myself, but I just couldn’t do it. On the trail, in silence, with just me, the dirt and the trees, I got to the root of my Self-Loathing. And I cut it OUT. I can still feel the hole. I am crying now thinking of it. BUT the hole is filled now. Filled with Self-Love.

When I got to the root and removed it. I had to forgive so much and so many people. I hold on to pain and thus hold grudges. But I had to heal. I have reached out to almost everyone I need to forgive. I have restored what needed restoration. But the bottom line was loving ME. It seems crazy to me now because I love me as much as I love my children at this point. That’s the way it is supposed to be. If you were raised with religion, even that guides you to Self-Love: “Love your neighbor as you love YOURSELF.”

But I missed that lesson. Instead the one that stuck with me was: Jesus, Others, then Yourself LAST. I was so good at that lesson. When you are full of Self-Loathing, putting yourself last feels normal. Breaking out of that mindset is incredibly hard. It took hiking alone in the woods in freezing temperatures for days at a time and hundreds of miles for me to learn to “Love my neighbor as I loved myself.”

I spent my life up to this point disconnected from people on the whole. I struggled to maintain friendships, and I was deeply sad because of it. All of this was BURIED deep in my soul. Very few people knew. Mostly just therapists. And Bill.

On the outside, I was full of love and life for everyone around me. I am not ashamed of that. I know I helped a lot of people throughout my life. I just didn’t know how to help myself. I didn’t give to myself until I was 50 years old. The first gift of time I gave myself was sailing lessons. That gift triggered all the events that led to learning to love myself. Tears again.

I wrote this post as context for my next post. I am going to publish a series of my poetry. I think. Some is dark. You will see parts of my soul. I am scared to release it. But it is time.

If you love yourself, celebrate today. Celebrate in the best way for YOU, and, please, tell people about it. I missed this lesson. No one around me celebrated themselves. At least not that I knew of.

If you are like me and struggle with Self-Loathing, then, please, use this post as inspiration for moving toward Self-Love. It is not an easy journey. I have tears again thinking of those of you who are where I was in 1989 or 1996 or 2000 or 2020 or 2023. But please know you CAN LOVE YOURSELF. It is painful when you are growing through it. You might have to do something out of your comfort zone. But change is coming.

Here is the challenge from my last post:

1. Try putting “being” time on your calendar. I will let you know how mine goes.

   It went well. I was hesitant, but I immediately saw positive responses in every aspect of my life. Health, work and relationship improvements!

2. Connect or reconnect with friends. They are the Oreo filling of life. If you aren’t an Oreo person, they are the sweet stuff!

   Deepening friendships is the blessing in my life that I never understood when I was a closed book full of Self-Loathing on every page.

3. Step out of your comfort zone. For me, that is friendship and intentionally resting. What is it for you?

   So this post is the step out of your comfort zone moment for me. I have wanted to publish my little book of poetry for years.

Here is the challenge for the week:

1. Celebrate Loving Yourself Today: saying that still feels strange. I hope this changes for me soon.

2. Tell people about your celebration.

3. If you struggle with Self-Loathing, then reach out for help. My therapists kept me on my feet, but my time in the woods healed me.